OK. Nobody's even bothered to comment on my narcissistic ramblings. That sucks. Is that even normal? Or are my narcissistic ramblings even worse than most of the drek here on the Interwebs. Everybody seems to love Lena Dunham's angst, but it's not pretty when you're more grown up (and less pretty).
For the past year I've been trying to read Infinite Jest on my Kindle. I feel like I'm supposed to like it, and it's kind of interesting in spurts, but very hard to follow. What I hate most of all about the Kindle is I can't count ahead to the end of a chapter and see how many more pages I have to read before coming to a satisfying stopping place before putting te book aside again. And since I can't wade through it, I'm not really reading anything else I could be reading in the meantime as I read chapter after chapter, sometimes again and again, not really getting all that much out of it or seeing what one chapter has to do with the other knowing the author eventually hanged himself in suburban Claremont, CA, a place I know all too well.
I've lived all over. Washington, Philadelphia, NYC, Boston, LA, SF, Miami, you name it, chances are I've sojourned there. I'm ready t pick up and move again, but it gets harder and harder as you get older and older, you know?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Cutting Out the Fat
This is weird. My blog has only been up for an hour and 12 people have seen it. I forgot something: I'm considering getting bariatric surgery. I've tried to lose weight every which way and nothing has worked. Dumbledore & I went to a bariatric surgery seminar last week. It was in a classroom type room at the hospital. Lots of fat people. The chairs (wisely) didn't have arms. No snacks, shich was probably a god thing.
The (skinny) surgeon made it all sound clean and medical. Not too scary. I wonder if he secretly laughs at al the fat people in the audience? He says: "obesity is a disease. A disease we don't really understand. Very few people are permanently helped through diet and weight loss alone. Most people eventually need some medical intervention to lose weight." I was really skeptical until the four women who had just had the surgery in the last several weeks spoke. They were all really happy with it. One woman was almost exactly my weight, 237 # (I can only say that because of the anonymity!) and lost about 75# in a few weeks post-surgery. She was wearing a halter top which she couldn't pull off, but it was exciting to see that she thought she could. You just know she was the type of women who, before the surgery, would never have considered a halter top.
When my parents were here, my mother snidely confided that my cousin Elaine got a gastric bypass. She said it in just about he same tone she'd use if Elaine had got an abortion or had a condom full of heroin removed from her gut. I know it's dumb, but the thought of my family members saying, "the Faygelah is getting bariatric surgery because he couldn't control his appetite" just grates on my last nerve.
The (skinny) surgeon made it all sound clean and medical. Not too scary. I wonder if he secretly laughs at al the fat people in the audience? He says: "obesity is a disease. A disease we don't really understand. Very few people are permanently helped through diet and weight loss alone. Most people eventually need some medical intervention to lose weight." I was really skeptical until the four women who had just had the surgery in the last several weeks spoke. They were all really happy with it. One woman was almost exactly my weight, 237 # (I can only say that because of the anonymity!) and lost about 75# in a few weeks post-surgery. She was wearing a halter top which she couldn't pull off, but it was exciting to see that she thought she could. You just know she was the type of women who, before the surgery, would never have considered a halter top.
When my parents were here, my mother snidely confided that my cousin Elaine got a gastric bypass. She said it in just about he same tone she'd use if Elaine had got an abortion or had a condom full of heroin removed from her gut. I know it's dumb, but the thought of my family members saying, "the Faygelah is getting bariatric surgery because he couldn't control his appetite" just grates on my last nerve.
Naval Contemplation
My parents just left. I'm exhausted. They came all the way from Large Southwest City, their hometown and mine, to visit me in my husband- Dumbledore- in Large Midwest City. although, I think the real mission was to complain… About everything. Like I said, I'm exhausted. All I can feel is the “not good enough's” going through their heads. And the thing is, I don't know why I care. I came here to be thousands of miles away from them. I got what I wanted, didn't I?
But I can't help but see my life through their eyes, and it's pretty miserable. I mean, by their standards. We don't have any money. We have no kids. Our lives are more than half over and we really don't have that much show for them. I'm left feeling so depressed I can barely stand it.
And wouldn't you know, they chose Gay pride weekend, the biggest Gay pride weekend ever to come visit. And Dumbledore and I missed it all chauffeuring them around from one disappointment to the next.
And you know, that's another reason I'm depressed today. Am I the only middle-aged gay man who resents the entitlement young gay kids have? I mean it's really silly. All I ever wanted was for gay kids to feel entitled to the things their straight peers took for granted. Now they do take it for granted, and I resent their lack of appreciation for their older brothers and sisters who paved the way for them to have an easier life. Just looking at that in black and white makes me feel silly. But today just feels like such a burden.
I'm tired of feeling depressed. I've got to do something to make myself feel better. I've really isolated myself lately which is one reason I thought posting a blog might make me feel, I don't know, part of a community. Or much is to watch the clicker stay at zero and feel more depressed than ever. Actually, I'm already feeling a little bit better. Just getting this out there. I know what I have to do. I need to get my butt down to the gym, and get those endorphins going. I need to do a bunch of paperwork that's been sitting there. And I need to get over myself and do something that makes the world better place i
But I can't help but see my life through their eyes, and it's pretty miserable. I mean, by their standards. We don't have any money. We have no kids. Our lives are more than half over and we really don't have that much show for them. I'm left feeling so depressed I can barely stand it.
And wouldn't you know, they chose Gay pride weekend, the biggest Gay pride weekend ever to come visit. And Dumbledore and I missed it all chauffeuring them around from one disappointment to the next.
And you know, that's another reason I'm depressed today. Am I the only middle-aged gay man who resents the entitlement young gay kids have? I mean it's really silly. All I ever wanted was for gay kids to feel entitled to the things their straight peers took for granted. Now they do take it for granted, and I resent their lack of appreciation for their older brothers and sisters who paved the way for them to have an easier life. Just looking at that in black and white makes me feel silly. But today just feels like such a burden.
I'm tired of feeling depressed. I've got to do something to make myself feel better. I've really isolated myself lately which is one reason I thought posting a blog might make me feel, I don't know, part of a community. Or much is to watch the clicker stay at zero and feel more depressed than ever. Actually, I'm already feeling a little bit better. Just getting this out there. I know what I have to do. I need to get my butt down to the gym, and get those endorphins going. I need to do a bunch of paperwork that's been sitting there. And I need to get over myself and do something that makes the world better place i
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