I can't stand it when people don't like me. I can't stand it so much, that it gets in the way of anybody actually liking me. Seriously. It's as if I have these antennae that are fine-tuned to the slightest disapproval. I pick up on disapproval or just dislike in someone else and I'm off to the races. It's why my relationships are so, well, troubled.

Because I (thankfully) live in a dark blue state, I thought Dumbledore and I would travel to an adjacent yellow state to GOTV for the President. D couldn't go at the last minute, so I went on my own. When I got to the assigned location, I realized I was the last to arrive and the crew had bonded. And, horror of horrors, I was at least 20 years older than the next youngest person. This is my nightmare scenario. I try to fit in, but I can just feel their thoughts ("creepy old guy"..."why is this old guy here?"...."didn't he get that this was a thing for young people?").

It's only now, in looking back, that I realize this was all me, in my head. I kept thinking of them as "kids," first of all, which is completely on me. They went out of their way to be nice. But these guys were also in a strange environment with strangers trying to fit in, probably some of them nervous like me. Many of them political dweebs, like me, not necessarily socially graceful. I was fucking panicking.

The next day, when it came time to split up into two-person teams, I got teamed with someone not in my group. I was kind of relieved because I thought my group hated me. My group was all going to a big political rally that afternoon. They even called me to see if I was coming. I imagined the young woman rolling her eyes as she forced herself to call the old guy to invite him so he wouldn't feel his feelings had been hurt. Since I had made fr ends with my canvassing partner from outside my group, I said I wanted to keep canvassing (Dork!) and lost another chance to bond with these incredible young people.

I could go on, but it's painful. So many opportunities I lose because I'm so sure people don't like me. When they don't like me, I feel like I'm setting myself up for some kind of humiliation. Some kind of thinking that I am someone's friend and finding out that the feelings aren't reciprocated. Betrayal, I suppose. Why is betrayal such an issue for people?

Is it because we come into the world so dependent and full of love for those that take care of us and are so angry when they can't follow through, when they humiliate us?  My parents took such good care of me physically, but I felt so humiliated all my life.

For example, when I was 4 years old, I realized I couldn't tell what color things were. Every one in my class could name colors, but I kept getting mixed up, calling things the wrong name, coloring things the wrong color. After another brown apple and an admonishment by the teacher that apples were red, I noticed that the big crayon with the flattened side had markings on the side. I recognized the letter r, which kind of sounded like red, and thought maybe I could remember that way. It didn't take me long to realize that every color had markings on the side that told you what color it was, but shhhhh!  Don't tell!  That's cheating!  That's only for the teacher to see!  Kids are supposed to learn the names of colors from looking at them. that's what everyone else did.

So for a couple of years, beginning at age 4, I was a secret reader. I also had trouble with left and right. (Still do!) I couldn't learn them. I had trouble learning to tie shoes. I couldn't snap my fingers. I had "tongue thrust" where instead of swallowing normally, my tongue would thrust forward, eventually knocking my teeth out of whack. I had to go to speech therapists.

When I was eight,  I learned I had been in a car accident. In the days before seat belts and child seats, I was probably sitting in some rinky-dink unsafe seat or maybe on the car seat itself when a sudden stop hurled me forward into the dashboard. An EEG confirmed brain damage. I have very little coordination in the tips of my fingers, the tip of my tongue. Weird, I know. At rest, my mouth would hang open and my tongue would hang out. Boy did I catch hell for that!  My father would erupt at the dinner table when I was chewing and swallowing improperly. I was TRYING. Do you know how it feels to be a kid and to try and try and not be able to succeed?  It's positively humiliating.

No wonder I had no friends growing up. I retreated into fantasy worlds of movies and books. I still do. I love the computer because I don't have to see the tell-tale signs of disapproval that make me want to flee a relationship. I can imagine people like me, they really like me.  More later.

Does anybody relate to this?